START OVER.

All my life, I tried. To make everybody happy while I, just hurt and hide. Waiting for someone to tell me its my turn to decide.

I might say it has almost been a year plus of me being a pessimist. But that ends today and I'm positive about it. Things change and I hope this change is for the better of me. People kept asking me why am I such a pessimist and I just couldn't give them the right answer. I'm often negative and I know, I always know that something bad will always happen. It is as if I have six senses, to know that my surroundings are always bad and I could not do anything about it. I couldn't even remember myself being that happy-go-lucky kind of person before until things start to happen. Personal things, upsetting things. Shit happens, and I thought I couldn't escape from it. It was like a nightmare that I couldn't seem to wake up from it. Ever since then, I feel small and I got hurt often. I got hurt ALL the time.



This hurt I get made me really fed up and tired. I'm fed up with everything and I'm tired of it as well. I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of being upset, just tired of everything. I've seen the truth in so many ways and I am pretty sure that there will be more truth to be reveal soon. This time, I am ready for the truth and I can ensure you I wont be beaten down again.


I just wish that everyone is straight forward. So that it will hurt less. What's the point of lying and telling something fake to someone and making them feel good about it but in the end they found out the truth. I used to believe in many things. I'm always waiting for something to happen, something good. I kept telling myself to be patient and things will get better. Don't give up, just try again. There's always another day and everyone will keep telling me you can't make a rainbow without rain. 


I put myself as Lilo (Lilo and Stitch) I know that in the end, everybody would leave and nobody is nice. Even with the ones you love, don't expect that they will stay forever. Then I put myself as Summer (500 Days of Summer) I just don't care about anything, I'm so mysterious that nobody will understand me and there's no such thing as a happy ending.


I was wrong about everything, and by looking back again, I messed up. TWICE. This time, I hate myself. Twice already, I repeated my mistakes, I gave chances but no chances were given to me back.


How life is a bucket of pain. A bucket of devastation. I snapped myself out for a moment and just think. What is wrong with me. I just remembered, there are miracles but you don't just wait for something good to happen, you actually get yourself up and make that miracle happen. You can make that moment come true. You don't complain, you start over again. No matter how old you are, its you to decide no matter how selfish or bitter you have to be, NOBODY is perfect, why blame yourself all the time. I blame myself each day, for being a failure in everything. Everything I do is never good enough for anyone, even to the ones I love. Parents, Siblings, Friends etc.


Every child's dream is to make their parents proud of them, but NOT me. NOT ANYMORE. I respect my parents and I love them, but I don't see the point of making them happy or proud of me. I don't want to please them and I don't want to reach up to their expectations anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm going to do something to make them upset and feel so heartbroken at the same time. I'm good and my decisions are positive. I don't do unnecessary things. I just wish they could see that. But they could not see it. So what am I to do with it.

I just don't care anymore. I have decided to do what's best for me and I am not bothered with what they have to say. As long as I know that it is nothing negative. Because I feel that to the ones I hate and to the ones I love. They are all people to me now. My parents are people, my siblings are people, my friends are people, everyone in this world are people. NO LABELS. Nothing. Just people. Ordinary people who are human beings living on this earth.


I have walked out from this nightmare. It haunts me every time and I decided to not make this nightmare worse.To end this nightmare, I quit. I did not give up but I quit and now, I'm starting to be happy again. I wake up every morning and tell myself I made it, though the past year has been horrible for me but I changed it. I don't feel wiser but I do learned a lot. I managed to get out of that sorrow. I took a risk and finally I'm out from it. If I were to get back, I know how to be out again.
I'm very complicated but I don't expect anyone to understand me. Just so you know, I feel better already.


This whole day I was just blog walking to everyone's blog. I read every random blog that I could click on every site. I was getting some ideas on what to blog about since its been a month again I haven't blog about anything. I've been reading a lot of blog posts where they just pour their feelings on one post. Maybe in every post.

Majority of them did that. Its common I guess, most people have blogs because they have strong emotional feelings in everything. I guess I should do that now, since I'm cracking my head on what should I actually blog about. One post to just blog about how I feel in everything wont hurt. AND I JUST DID! ^_^
JaszyRay~