START OVER.

All my life, I tried. To make everybody happy while I, just hurt and hide. Waiting for someone to tell me its my turn to decide.

I might say it has almost been a year plus of me being a pessimist. But that ends today and I'm positive about it. Things change and I hope this change is for the better of me. People kept asking me why am I such a pessimist and I just couldn't give them the right answer. I'm often negative and I know, I always know that something bad will always happen. It is as if I have six senses, to know that my surroundings are always bad and I could not do anything about it. I couldn't even remember myself being that happy-go-lucky kind of person before until things start to happen. Personal things, upsetting things. Shit happens, and I thought I couldn't escape from it. It was like a nightmare that I couldn't seem to wake up from it. Ever since then, I feel small and I got hurt often. I got hurt ALL the time.



This hurt I get made me really fed up and tired. I'm fed up with everything and I'm tired of it as well. I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of being upset, just tired of everything. I've seen the truth in so many ways and I am pretty sure that there will be more truth to be reveal soon. This time, I am ready for the truth and I can ensure you I wont be beaten down again.


I just wish that everyone is straight forward. So that it will hurt less. What's the point of lying and telling something fake to someone and making them feel good about it but in the end they found out the truth. I used to believe in many things. I'm always waiting for something to happen, something good. I kept telling myself to be patient and things will get better. Don't give up, just try again. There's always another day and everyone will keep telling me you can't make a rainbow without rain. 


I put myself as Lilo (Lilo and Stitch) I know that in the end, everybody would leave and nobody is nice. Even with the ones you love, don't expect that they will stay forever. Then I put myself as Summer (500 Days of Summer) I just don't care about anything, I'm so mysterious that nobody will understand me and there's no such thing as a happy ending.


I was wrong about everything, and by looking back again, I messed up. TWICE. This time, I hate myself. Twice already, I repeated my mistakes, I gave chances but no chances were given to me back.


How life is a bucket of pain. A bucket of devastation. I snapped myself out for a moment and just think. What is wrong with me. I just remembered, there are miracles but you don't just wait for something good to happen, you actually get yourself up and make that miracle happen. You can make that moment come true. You don't complain, you start over again. No matter how old you are, its you to decide no matter how selfish or bitter you have to be, NOBODY is perfect, why blame yourself all the time. I blame myself each day, for being a failure in everything. Everything I do is never good enough for anyone, even to the ones I love. Parents, Siblings, Friends etc.


Every child's dream is to make their parents proud of them, but NOT me. NOT ANYMORE. I respect my parents and I love them, but I don't see the point of making them happy or proud of me. I don't want to please them and I don't want to reach up to their expectations anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm going to do something to make them upset and feel so heartbroken at the same time. I'm good and my decisions are positive. I don't do unnecessary things. I just wish they could see that. But they could not see it. So what am I to do with it.

I just don't care anymore. I have decided to do what's best for me and I am not bothered with what they have to say. As long as I know that it is nothing negative. Because I feel that to the ones I hate and to the ones I love. They are all people to me now. My parents are people, my siblings are people, my friends are people, everyone in this world are people. NO LABELS. Nothing. Just people. Ordinary people who are human beings living on this earth.


I have walked out from this nightmare. It haunts me every time and I decided to not make this nightmare worse.To end this nightmare, I quit. I did not give up but I quit and now, I'm starting to be happy again. I wake up every morning and tell myself I made it, though the past year has been horrible for me but I changed it. I don't feel wiser but I do learned a lot. I managed to get out of that sorrow. I took a risk and finally I'm out from it. If I were to get back, I know how to be out again.
I'm very complicated but I don't expect anyone to understand me. Just so you know, I feel better already.


This whole day I was just blog walking to everyone's blog. I read every random blog that I could click on every site. I was getting some ideas on what to blog about since its been a month again I haven't blog about anything. I've been reading a lot of blog posts where they just pour their feelings on one post. Maybe in every post.

Majority of them did that. Its common I guess, most people have blogs because they have strong emotional feelings in everything. I guess I should do that now, since I'm cracking my head on what should I actually blog about. One post to just blog about how I feel in everything wont hurt. AND I JUST DID! ^_^
JaszyRay~

BAD WORDS

LOOKIE HERE! I totally customized my blog! AND it looks more, PINK. People will now come to my blog and feel PINK-IER. I never actually took the time to make my blog more interesting because I just prefer having a good blog posts instead of a nicely design kind off blog BUT I think both are as important whenever you have a blog now.


I was just talking to my friend who is the Q.O.D / QUEEN of DESIGN. Her blog is so creative! - Its a private blog and none of you could see it unless you're invited to read it (obviously).

She just told me to design/customize/edit my blog a little because it looks plain, like seriously? TRUST me, I am creative AND innovative at the same time. So, we were just msn-ing a few hours ago - I was just telling her my problems and my every day stories of whats going on with me.

I'M A DEPRESS PESSIMIST and talking to her calms me down. I still use my msn because Facebook is just a big bucket of nonsense to me now and we were reading each others blogs and suddenly she was actually laughing at my BlackBerry blog post. LIKE, really laughing! She is the most weirdest best friend ever. Did I mention she is 30? LOL. Majority of my girlfriends are all older than I am. I don't really have much girlfriends actually because I have bad experience with having girl friends.


I'm always hanging out with the opposite sex, guys. Because I'm comfortable with them and they are much more fun to be with. My guy friends are awesome. THOUGH they smell (most of them) and they don't care how loud your fart is or how messy when you eat and they just don't hurt people on purpose.


BACK to my girlfriend, well she's an adult and yea adults get a bit disturbed (except her) when it comes to BAD WORDS. Actually, most adults were reading my blog about it (The BlackBerry post) and well, they weren't quite okay with it. UH-OH. But..............................................



I APOLOGIZE.


I do! AND starting today (after this blog post) Perfection Is Passion will NOT have bad words anymore. *pinky swear* I will still keep the PG13 thing here.

Though, I don't see a problem with using or saying bad words. I don't see it as a huge issue at all. One of the reasons why we can't use or say it its because its inappropriate but their just WORDS. Words which are part in the dictionary and they're just called WORDS that are "BAD". - Or Vulgar.


I never understand the term Adult Words - That's bullshit (REMEMBER? I wont use bad words until this blog post, wont mind right? My blog anyway). Because as for me (Oh, dang. No parent is going to agree with me in this) I'm alright with kids saying bad words.

Uhhh, What?


You heard me, and I'm seriously going to be a little arrogant in this. I am absolutely fine whenever I hear kids saying bad words. BECAUSE eventually, they'll grow up. YEA I KNOW THAT it wont be nice to hear a 4 year old kid saying fuck and it is really inappropriate and bla bla bla kids should not say this kind of things but what you're gonna do when they heard the word and they just got addicted to saying it as well?

What children see, is what children do. - SAME GOES TO hearing.

I'm not encouraging any of the kids to use it often - because as old as they get, they're gonna say it eventually when their older. BE REALISTIC. YOU DON'T come up to a 30 year old guy and say "HEY, FUCK IS A BAD WORD".


I believe kids are smarter these days and more hyperactive as well, if kids are understood that bad words are bad, so DON'T say it. If you use or say it then,  IT BETTER BE ON PURPOSE or else you gotta find a reason why you said those shits.  Because you know why? You're still young. Which annoys me to say it but yea, you're still young.


I remember hearing the first bad word, which was the classic FUCK. I heard my dad saying it to someone, I was just 4 years old. AND even when I was 4 I know its a bad word and its not very nice to say it but heck, its just a very strong expressive word. When you're angry you just tend to use it. HOW IS WORDS INAPPROPRIATE OR BAD? I think WORDS ARE WORDS no matter what expression wise it is.


And don't get me started with CENSORSHIP because I really don't understand what's the damn point for censorship. You always hear that "beep" or other sounds to cover up the bad words. Its not educating at all.


If you are feeling a little disturb with this blog post, just ignore it. I apologize again and to make it up to you as well, here is a picture of two retarded people. One sitting in a trolley and one at the back of the trolley and both are wearing animal faces! A BEAR AND A PANDA. Don't we all like BEARS AND PANDAS?

I can't believe it. Time passes so fast. Its already June!!. (Well, yea Rayhan. Why are you stating the obvious?). A new month has come! Are you excited?! I am most certainly, hmm. Not really as excited about getting in to a new month because there's 12 months in a year and how often do we have special occasions.


Especially me, I don't have special occasions much. I'm always working and time just goes by fast. TOO FAST. I have a life, but my job ate it and I couldn't complain but AGH.  I'm sorry, I am just not in the right mood now. I'm just blogging my heart out in this, BEAR with me or click the X BUTTON.

I'm feeling so confuse as ever and what sucks is that I'm always back to square one.

Sometimes I just feel as though the things I do is just never good enough and for once I just wish my parents are proud of me for who I am. Well, who am I to them anyway? I'm just a nobody who doesn't have a choice in anything anymore. OH FUCK THIS, enough drama. (NOTE the NAIVE-NESS in me?)

I know that I'm a pessimist but I do still believe in faith and someday things will turn back to good again. ^_^

Ale JaszyRay, Signing off.

"BLACKBERRY" AND IT'S PAIN

Ohhhhhh hohohoooo~ I'm pretty sure after this blog post I will have many people hating on me.

BUT fact is fact and when I mean fact, I really mean that this post has a lot of facts.

Mostly my experience and hopefully most of you would feel the same way as I do too?




Firstly, dearly beloved parents (YES, I do have parents/adults reading my blog, because they tend to be interested to read my blog?). Isn't it weird? NO, because I like having readers of all ages. I am very open when it comes to my blog. Anyways, I'd like to give a little warning that this is an 18 and above (Okay, 16??) blog post because it involves a lot of harsh words and of course, "The BAD Words". So parental guidance needed ----- UNLESS dearly underage people, if you're reading this alone without your parents and yea you get my point anyways. Nobody seems to care about this but I do, SO PRECAUTION!!


So you know, my blog is not that clean and it is very inappropriate sometimes. But I can't help it!


Obviously I'm not going to talk about a fruit (Explains the title? What century are we in, you know?) - I'm talking about the one of the best (so-called-best) smartphone which is maybe mainly for people enjoy talking, chatting, blabber mouth, chatterbox kind of people,


YES people. THE BLACKBERRY. As you know its beauty of BOLD, CURVE, TORCH etc. See, the thing about phones are that there will always be a NEW ONE. BlackBerry is widely use as much as any other smartphones (EXAMPLE: Team Iphones, Anyone?)

SMARTPHONES ARE NOT THAT SMART ANYWAYS, THEY PRETTY MUCH HAVE STUPID BATTERIES.---- Disadvantage. Battery runs like water every time.

I am of course, a BlackBerry user (YAY!!) plus I love using my BlackBerry to tweet because I just have a lot to say every time, I can't keep my mouth shut. Even for minutes? I tweet too damn much sometimes.

My parents always get annoyed with my never ending time with my BlackBerry, Travie. (What? I named my BlackBerry, so? I name all my stuff!) They are just super annoyed, especially my dad. Well, who can blame him.

So the BlackBerry, YES? BlackBerry is mostly popular because of this thing called BlackBerry Messenger a.k.a BBM as we all like to call it.


For some of you who don't know (points at my parents) BlackBerry Messenger is another term of Instant Messaging, answers why nobody wants to sent a regular text message anymore - explains to some of us. Well there's many more types of Instant Messaging, really. Like WhatsApp?  Yes, for ANY smartphone users, we are free to use that application.


There seem to be many types of people using BlackBerry, LIKE stereotypes. I'll be grouping this type of people! Like now, because I think this would be interesting and maybe a good laugh as well. So one of the types of people who use BlackBerry are the people who UPDATE-EVERY-SINGLE-DAY.


As some of us, BBM comes in for you to put your display picture, display name and personal message. Like MSN. So basically every day, most of you would update your display pictures, display names and personal messages ALL the time. I find it alright, its fun isn't it?! Yay to being lifeless! (I'm joking)


BBM does have some annoying people as well. Like, people who love to use the "PING". You know how we all have a friend who eats a lot but still looks skinny as hell, we all have a friend who does a lot of trouble. A friend who has big boobs, we all have a friend who is always saying shits.


WE ALL HAVE A FRIEND who enjoys to PING people to death. What is PING? PING is like NUDGE. It just zaps your BlackBerry just so to get your attention DON'T you just want to slap that mother fucker?!


In all days, You'll have this annoying fucker to PING you just OH! Im bored! I have a friend who has this way of making a PING that goes up to 60 seconds and he sends about countless times.
So 60x10= ???? It goes on

PINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG - fuck you, really.

*BREATHES* I feel so bad for writing the F words. (NOT really) Okay and I am actually sorry for stereotyping as well. But the thing I hate is that there are some people who use BBM enjoy Most people in abusing THE BROADCAST MESSAGE.


BROADCAST MESSAGE is a message to forward sent to ALL contacts in your bbm. Like an announcement or a warning or basically just broadcasting. When I first got my BlackBerry (TRAVIE) I have no idea what is a BC (broadcast message) and when I know what it is. I broad casted something stupid. Which I thought it was true. Because it was a forward message from someone and I thought of trying this broadcast - thing. The MESSAGE wasn't true. I was a very dumb blonde back then.

I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TOO. I didn't do it on purpose either! But as much as I understand on how to use a BlackBerry (Because for 18 years I'm a Nokia user) I really hate people who uses the BC abusively. BECAUSE ITS FUCKING ANNOYING AND IT BOTHERS ME.


It bothers me a lot especially when it has nothing to do with me. AND they do it on purpose! Like for instance.

EXAMPLE ONE

BC MESSAGE: Oh Hi EVERYONE I'm Gay.

WOW thanks for telling. AND THEN MOMENTS LATER!

BC MESSAGE: SORRY EVERYONE! MY friend hacked me! Ugh dumb friend of mine!

OH SLAP THAT FUCKING FRIEND OF YOURS, REALLY. EVEN if you are gay why the fuck would I want to know. FRIENDS/PEOPLE should really not do this shit. BC it to people who doesn't give a crap? Come on, GROW UP.

EXAMPLE TWO

BC MESSAGE: Hi, This is my friend's bbpin 12345567899 do add him/her.
UHH OKAY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO ADD A STRANGER? Who I have no intentions to talk too? And who doesn't know me as well? What the hell is wrong with you BC-ING someones BBPIN to strangers?!

EXAMPLE THREE

BC MESSAGE: Last night, A girl name **** was killed. Nobody could found her body. Since you have read this you need to BC this now before you are cursed.

OH MY GOD!!! I DIDN'T BC THIS! IT MEANS I'M CURSED! OH NO!!! - Bullshit.


A week ago, there were a few scum bags in my BlackBerry contacts who were BC-ING many people about this GIRL. Okay, I wouldn't want to put her name here and also I do not know her so why would I tell all of you more about her in here. BUT people tend to say that this girl is a HE. (THE WORLD IS WEIRD ISN'T IT?)

This girl/guy/whatever, "K.A" (the initials of the name - fake name) was being broad casted by god knows how many annoying troll people. They say K.A is a fake and she/he/whatever was pretending to be someone else which is another person. SO the BC kept coming to me like 7 times, I thought whoa. Why do so many people hate this person.


FIRST, I do not know who she/he/whatever is so I don't give a damn. BUT BC-ING nonsense like this is what pisses me off more. IF YOU want to make a statement and your going to spread about it on and on and on. WHY NOT use something else other than a fucking BC? Because it disturbs people and people don't care. Its not an interesting story either!

AND whats with people trying to be someone who they're not? That's cheap. 

I know most people who uses broadcast message to wish everyone GOOD MORNING OR HAVE A GREAT DAY - Okay that is nice and I don't mind that because AWWW THAT'S SO FRIENDLY OF YOU!


BUT  dearly beloved BB USERS, STOP abusing the broadcast message.


SO, What type of person am I when it comes to my BlackBerry Messenger. Well, if you add my bbpin and you don't say hi first, DON'T expect that you'll see me in your contact list in 3 days especially when I don't know you. (I give you ONLY 3 days) because I'll delete you.

AND I hate people giving other people my bbpin and have no reasons on why do they want my bbpin? If you wanna be friends, okay lets be friends. But you end up being a troll. YOUR DELETED.


U MAD OF THIS BLOG POST? LOL I don't care.

JaszyRay~

MOTHER'S DAY

This blog post goes to all mothers around the world as tomorrow is Mother's Day! Actually my mom gave me this idea to actually blog about Mother's Day because she's been noticing me lazing around and she came up to me and said "Hey Rayhan, why don't you blog about mother's day?". I felt that was a great idea and I should really blog about it! Plus, she reads my blog. Explains my PG13 type of blog posts (sometimes) - but that is only ONE of the reasons why. - I like to have readers of all ages.


Its that time again where buffet dinners are packed and reserved for mini celebrations with the family and relatives everywhere and all the kinds of presents and gift ideas all over the stores, internet and magazines. Sales in the malls, beautiful bouquet of flowers with choices FRESH and READY to be bought. Colorful balloons and wishing cards. ANYTHING to show love for your mother.


They deserve it. All mothers deserve a day specially made for them. Women were born to be miracle workers and so they are, as mothers. Being a mother is a tough job, its hard but a never ending love that we could have from them. They are the only person on earth who we could say our forever. You know how there isn't such a thing as forever? But as for them, they are our forever. Mothers are our only guiding stars and their hugs are also where home is as well.


We were brought to the world by them. Months and months of carrying us in the stomach. It was challenging for them, hard for them to travel and walk all the time as we grew bigger and bigger. They have to be very cautious. They have to give up on light and junk food for awhile and maintain healthy food for us to be healthy. They couldn't do much but to take good rest and go on check ups off and on.


But the sentimental feeling when they felt our first light kick in their stomach. I don't know how that feels but all mothers say that is one beautiful feeling they had ever felt and sometimes mothers talk to their tummies! How they could not wait for their baby to be born. The male might find it weird and of course, they will NEVER understand.

Definition of MOTHER. A mother is strong. A mother is beautiful. A mother is a winner at the end of the day. Because being pregnant is a beautiful experience for them. Okay, maybe not exactly? THE LABOUR is OF COURSE a painful journey. Oh, the tears and the pain in their spine and their endless scream would make their husbands faint and just died for awhile.


According to my mom she wasn't that hurt when she had me. In fact, she was really glad about it. She quoted "when I gave birth to you, its like as if you just walked out and say I can go out myself thank you very much". I was like a race car. I just came out so fast!

I am glad that I have a mother, she gave the world to me. Though we argue and we had bad times but that's just another time when we must be strong together. The patience we have for each other. She went through everything just to have me and she raised me (AND
NOT TO FORGET MY SIBLINGS).  According to myself, I think I am the best child in the world. Like I don't mean to brag but I really am!

Most of the people in this world don't have mothers, most of us don't have caring mothers as well, mothers who neglect their own children and most of all, mothers who decides to give their children away. I'm upset to know that some kids don't get goodnight kisses or bed time stories or even an I Love You from their mothers. I really couldn't bear feeling how they are feeling, and knowing that its mothers day. I guess its just another ordinary day for them and they had no choice but to chin up but to remind themselves that they will never do the same to their own children in future.


Some babies were never born because some mothers who are suppose to be mothers decided to not deliver them. I'm talking about the women/girls who did abortion. I am never a supporter for abortion because it breaks my heart to kill something that was suppose to be a gift to them. A special gift with big responsibility and they just let it go.


There's just so many different types of mothers in the world. But I could say, mine is just amazing as she is. So, okay. My mother. I don't really talk much about my parents here because my blog is all about me but to tell you a summary of my mother, for 19 years of my life (ALMOST 19) I have a mother who is headstrong, crazy, weird, funny, inspiring, bold, and just beyond words I couldn't explain how amazing my mother is. She was a beautiful girl, STILL is. - And vain at times. Sometimes I get mad and upset around her but I guess that's something healthy because, duh? Its a mother and daughter thing? I admire my mom a lot. Besides Kimora Lee *smirks*.

My mom is not like other moms. In fact, my mom is the kind of woman in this world who loves FOOTBALL. I hate the fact that she supports Manchester United. Her favorite player is Ryan Giggs. AND don't get me started with her favorite actor. She would brag and brag of how angel looking Keanu Reeves is. - Though, I like the movie The Lake House. Can't argue with that. My mom has great taste in music, like really. From Rock to Soul and more Rock and more Dance Songs. My mom was like a cool hippie when she was a teenager and an adult you know? Like those rebel Pat Benatar kind of girls.


How cool is that? Basically she has more better fashion sense than I do back then. All her music taste and knowledge just gain a lot to me and she's like a kid sometimes! She could eat more potato chips than I do. Oh, and she totally head bang on MCR's concert LIVE in Malaysia and she would love to see One Republic LIVE.


That's my mother. She is amazing the way she is and I love her form the bottom of my heart. N this blog post goes to her. As a mother's day present (because I didn't actually prepare anything for her tomorrow but its okay! There's always her birthday!)

Some people think your bad, Some people think your naive, Some people think you don't deserve a thing in the world. But you are always a special person who deserves everything in the world in our mother's eyes.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

JaszyRay~

ARE OLD PEOPLE ALWAYS RIGHT?

Everybody has been asking me did I quit blogging after the whole drama of my weight loss story.


*ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY A** OFF NO.


I most certainly did not. I'm still around just that there's silence in here again. No reason, I was busy with other writings and stuff. I decided  to write a book, you know? Will you all read it when its done? Trust me, it took a lot of my time and I feel positive about it. Hopefully its a good outcome in the end. AND its not just another ordinary "LOVE STORY Boo Hooo Hooo Huuuu Haa"  kind of book. Its more interesting than just another boy-falls-in-love-with-this-girl-then-she-got-shot-dead-in-the-end.


I feel, well I'm feeling good actually. Good seems to be a word I don't often use much but I can say now that I'm good. Really good. In fact, I feel fine after a lot of volunteer work. Helping out a lot of people. Learning new things. FOR no benefits, just being nice and maybe getting a bit of experience here and there.



Still there's always something missing in me. I don't know, but I have yet to know? I have mix feelings all the time but it is definitely not mood swings. I don't have mood swings. I just have feelings like a rainbow. Some say its good and mostly some say its bad because its confusing. Now, how is that confusing? I'm just finding myself. Reinventing my life all the time. Because I believe to not stick to one thing. I like multitasking and improvising. If I don't like something I don't leave it be, I change it and make it good as new.


MOST OLD people would say,


I'm still young. - HONESTLY I hate that fact, because young and naive is my enemy. I'm may be young but I am not as confuse as you think I am? I don't like older/wiser people telling me I'm still young. Yea, okay. I'm not offended, I just get mad that they would just put a point where your young and you don't know anything yet. OKAY. I'm young but so were you before. Like as if you were born old and smart.


Old people seem to piss me off sometimes. Not to disrespect them OR anything but I met a lot of nice older people and they give good advice. BUT NOTHING THAT INVOLVES A STATEMENT WHERE
"Oh, your young, you'll learn someday". - Uhhh okay? Is that how you're going to tell us and end a conversation? Most old people who say this to me are really emotionally disturbed people.


My apologies, BUT don't get too offended, yes? Do I even have old people reading my blog? IF I DO and IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A NICE WISE PERSON. Then this is not a blog post for you. But if you feel offended and you find me a really bad person to make a statement for older people. Then yes, THIS IS FOR YOU ^_^ because you're offended! If you don't feel offended then, HAHA you get my point!


Unlike my parents, because there is always a lesson to learn by ourselves (myself and the siblings) NEVER have they say "You are young, you will know what its like someday". Because my parents are mostly STRAIGHT to the point kind of people. They rather sting you with words than to actually make you fall on the big mud and feel bad about it. Which is good because I'd prefer to get a warning than to actually feel like a total loser in the end. I get the hang of it.


I'm just saying, NOT ALL old people are right. Some are as confuse as us as well. True Story AND FACT. Just that they are older and we can't debate much with them or else we might just be a very bad kid or a disrespectful person to the elderly.


Okay, jokes on me and many more people who agree in this. BUT I always give the elderly some respect and good gratitude for them. AND as for the elderly, you have to be good leaders for us to admire and follow. AND if you're wrong, its alright. We all made mistakes. It is proven that most old people wouldn't like to be corrected and they use "OLD" as the advantage to not feel bad AND you expect us to agree with that! There's nothing wrong with pointing out something that is wrong, MADE by an old wise person. - STOP being so emotional, old people enjoy making us feel bad and for once we are trying to be right.


I don't hate them, they just piss me off sometimes and I do agree we should have good healthy bonding with the elderly people. REALLY, I do AND to that I have to learn to accept how people are.


Thanks for the tremendous comments and wishes. I really didn't know I would have kind words from everyone in here. I appreciate it very much! Have an AMAZING MAY EVERYONE!

Plus, this coming Saturday is Mother's Day. 

LOVE YOUR MOM EVERYONE!

JaszyRay~

FINAL CONCLUSION

What an unpleasant  night, I've read a lot of negative things that people have to say about my previous blog post, as you can see BELOW. All I thought was to update my blog about how I lose weight because many people thought I had a secret on my tremendous weight lost so I decided to sort that out and blogged about it because there was never a secret!


I can't blame midget minded people for having such midget minded thinking. I'm not that upset but I did get ticked off by them. MOST of them. I am used to hurtful messages and hate comments. Every positive thing do have a negative thing.


Firstly, I'd like to make myself clear AGAIN. I did NOT purposely starve myself. It just HAPPENED. Its been months back that the weight lost seems to be really drastic and even I was very surprised as well.


Also, I NEVER said I hated my weight or chubbiness. Back then I was happy and I don't have a problem with it as well. YES, you might saw my friends calling me fat and they tease me on and on and I get all angry at them, but if you see it in a different way, HELLO their my friends? CAN'T any of you take a joke? Its just a casual chat or conversations I have with my friends.


MOST of all, I do not like people skinny bashing me as well. AND I do not put myself as skinny. I don't hate skinniness or enjoy it as much as well but skinny bashing is way too much. How is this making things better? Skinny bashing people. I'm not some anorexic freak who hates food. I made myself clear that I'm really back to being balance. Balance meal, Balance weight, Balance health, BALANCE everything!


Disappointment strikes, but then again I would not want to entertain any of you. Heck, I wouldn't want to entertain all of this weight loosing thing anymore. I'd appreciate to not have anymore of this questions as well. Pleasant Night everyone.


JaszyRay~

WHERE IS THAT EXTRA POUND

The past few days, I seem to have a lot of comments on people asking me, did I lose weight. OR OR OR did I do something about my weight. I have lots of new friends (its so nice to have new friends) on Facebook and I don't blame them for stalking my Facebook pictures and seeing all the past photos. Though, some photos gave me the what-was-I-thinking moment. How embarrassing but I'm sure many of us have that feeling as well.


So people start asking me what's my secret. To look so different and when they see me look thinner, especially my friends back in in school and they have the shock of their lives and their dying to know what did I do and how did I do it. Actually, I don't have a secret. Honestly no secret at all. I didn't know what I did but by thinking back I think I also realize that I do lost a lot of weight as well. I wasn't FAT or OVERWEIGHT. I was just very chubby. A very happy chubby person and I don't plan on losing weight at all but I do appreciate some of you asking me what happen and what exactly did I do to lose so much.


I did lose weight, yes. I was weight at 56kg. NO, not lying and I'm not afraid to tell you my weight. I know some girls are afraid of telling people their weight but as for me, NOT at all. At present I weight 45kg. Huge lost? You can come up to me and say "Hey Jas, here is a weight a machine, please stand here" GO AHEAD. Its tremendous but I have to tell you, I lost weight in the most depressing way and you wont find this a good tip as well.

You see, I wasn't fit. I go to the clinic often for check ups and my health is really an up and down status every time. My menstrual cycle is imbalance, I get tired easily due to I have Anemia and also I wasn't that healthy and I wasn't that fit at all. I did not do anything and I didn't exercise. You know, regularly people should exercise 2 to 3 times a week. Most depressing thing of all is that I just skip meals. Lots of meals.

NOT that I wanted too. Believe me I enjoy and I love food so much that I eat like there's no tomorrow sometimes (who hates food right?). But with the work and the things I go through, - as you can see my past blogs. I guess that's how I lost so much of weight. Believe me, I have no intentions on starving myself, going on diets though I thought of diets before but that is just stupid.

If you want to go on a diet, FIRST you have to know what diet means. Don't simply tell yourself diet starts today and your going to just eat a salad. That is not how diet goes. Diet requires a lot of planning.
I don't want to lie to any of you, but the things I go through affect me a lot through mind, emotion and it came to the stage where I lost so much of weight because of that.


But if you want my advice on losing weight. I think its a big responsibility to do it the right way, which is putting a point where it is NOT about starving yourself. I don't understand why starving yourself would make you lose weight or even look pretty. Its NOT good at all. Its upsetting and it destroys us inside and out.
I've seen a lot of girls trying to starve themselves and go the gym and end up hurting themselves even more.

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SPEAKING OF GYM.

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Is it a trend to go to gym nowadays? I thought we go to gym to work out. I've been to a gym before, maybe a couple of times and one day, I was helping a friend on their dance routine (it had a mini studio and a big gym)


Its so funny really, girls go to gym and they work out and 5 minutes later, they stare at guys. Just what the hell were they thinking, is that really the point? See I don't go to gym because I believe that if your not professional when it comes to gym-ing , you need a professional help. You don't just simply go there to try on the machines just because "its fun". What's the point if you go to the gym actually.


Oh anyway, back to my secret (which is not really a secret)


I may not eat due to the things I go through or how hectic busy I am but when I do have time to eat or maybe just another regular dinner. I eat. A lot and in a very unhealthy way. Especially the sugar intakes I took. As some of  you would know I could drink 6-7 cans of Pepsi a day. In just a week. I'm serious! I might just die due to high blood sugar or suffer diabetes. But thank goodness I did not suffer from that. Praise God.

I guess that was the only energy source I had. I AM AWARE that that is really unhealthy and now as my New Year Resolutions, I cut down a lot of Pepsi or just any carbonated drinks AND IT WAS A SUCCESS! (THOUGH, PEPSI IS THE BEST!)


I replaced my favorite drink the whole wide world with *drum roll* WATER. WATER is a must. I wouldn't argue with that. Stay hydrated all the time because our body needs it. SO START DRINKING LOTS OF WATER.


AND DON'T worry about me. I'm no longer losing weight drastically and I eat proper meals now. I EAT BREAKFAST! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! Oh, and I start dancing again! I love dancing. That's the only exercise I do (Well dancing is fun and it involves music!) I'm a bit better and healthier now though I still go to the clinic once in a while (it wasn't as often before).


So take care of yourself, its really important. A good healthy body leads a good deal for us.


Anyywaaaaaaaay,

IT'S SATURDAY. The weather seems nice here at my place. Well, I hope everyone had a good start for April! My April seems to be thrilling day by day. I have a lot of deadlines this month and most of all my sister's birthday is coming up. Oh how time passes, the apple of our eyes in the family is now a teenager. I am very excited for May! Patience.


I was so happy to know that I have many new readers with warm wishes for me. Just thank you so much for that I really appreciate all the compliments and emails

Cheerio!

JaszyRay~

IMAGINE THIS

OH, HEY. This is my blog. I've been neglecting it for 2 months now. This is seriously an utterly bad behavior. I am sorry for being very silent and probably its because I have nothing interesting to write lately, - yea, for 2 months and not that I was busy but maybe I was just finding some inspiration because I was feeling very absent. - yea again, for 2 months.


My book of life seems a bit messy this few months and again I could not complain because life is not a bed of roses, that is what mother always have to say and yes I do agree. I don't have a clear head to actually open up my blog and start writing. I'm not that active and a joyful person anymore, I don't know why and I seem to see the world in a whole new different perspectives now. Not that its bad or anything and at the same time I don't feel wiser either. PLUS Its not really nice to actually sit and write with a lot of messed up things in your mind. Trust me, I've tried. I kept putting all my blog posts in drafts.


Well I am here now, typing. Getting back to my blogging mood again. Before I change my mind and just waste my time 9gagging. - That's what we kids do these days!! Some parents like example, my parents, they should be lucky that I'm addicted to the internet instead of being addicted to drugs and all those other horrible things. So what is up with me. Being utterly awkward as usual.

 

I start to not take my life TOO seriously nowadays, I'm not slacking and NO I'm not living YOUNG, WILD AND FREE. - I hate that song by the way.

I just couldn't really bother much with what expectations have to deliver to me that I could not pursuit. The things I do is never good enough but who cares, if I find myself okay with it, so be it. Sometimes, I go to work with my hair looking like Pat Benatar and people thought I just woke up from bed and yea, whatever comments they have. Basically I have been more of an "eye" lately. I have been looking and having different points of view.


I've been attached. Really attached, NOT with a boy but maybe someday I will be very fond with a boy (well the last boy I was very fond with, I guess you could say there's no chemistry between us. Its so sad but if its meant to be, its meant to be, but I actually like this guy a lot). Anyways, I've been attached with kids actually. Their my source to hope and inspiration and not to mention they are very fun to be with. I just see them playing games and I talk to them, mostly I just want to know all about them. I wanna know what's inside their heads, what are they thinking, what do they want. What what what.


Its funny, I felt really funny because the things they do, were not the things I used to do before. The game, ANGRY BIRDS. That game is like DRUGS to them and to my honesty I don't like that game. Also, the way they fashion themselves and the kind of music they listen too. Majority, people say kids are no longer KIDS. They don't act like one and why is it that were blaming this kids for NOT being kids? I often ask this people why do they complain. Most of them are actually older people. People who are no longer taking charge of the generation.


So I looked at this kids now, by my own perspective because I was told to do so by a few older/wiser people. I do agree with them in one thing, kids have so many things nowadays. All those gadgets and how they seem to be really different as well. They mature fast. But I find it very annoying when the older/wiser people complain about this kids to the fact that I think they just forgot who raised them.

AND a friend of mine, gave this statement :
So imagine this, handphones, smartphones or whatever. In the 90's we used to have this NOKIA (or any other NOKIA phone, the first ever phone you have basically!) and when were kids (I am referring to the 90's babies) we were so excited to have a phone. So its not a blackberry, or an Iphone but damn it we have a phone!! We get so excited and we start calling our friends and say "hey I got a phone! Lets do this thing called, SMS". But when I give a simple phone to a kid, they refuse to even touch it, I don't know why but I guess they wanted a better phone? 


-------------- That was one of the statements brought to example. As I think, its not that their being non appreciative. They were brought to think that way. Society got them thinking to have something better than another thing because its just better that way. Basically, We live in technology now and pretty soon maybe nobody is going to read a book anymore. That is sad because I find reading a wonderful a thing to do. Its the most beautiful hobby ever. EVERYTHING around us is technology. Accepting the fact the world is changing. THE WORLD IS ALWAYS CHANGING. But question is, must we change?


I come across this blog or maybe a project and its called MANAGING AND UNDERSTANDING GENERATION Y - Something like that, it didn't pull my attention because the title was dead boring but when I heard it is about our generation, meaning generation NOW, well I just want to know what they have to say about us.


I understand people in the 50's and 60's. They were born with awesome music, great people and mostly their generation seems to be tough but easier because life wasn't so bad as now. Society changed us to think differently and we have to be more educated. Life now is really tip top. But I do have to admit, life back then was great, hell of a great and they might not have what we have now but you know, they just know how to live their life even though there were more burdens before.

 

I don't understand why people, the older generations and maybe us as well complaining about this. So the answer to my question, The world is changing but must we change as well? YES WE DO. We all are changing but were not changing for the better. Do you realize? Do any of you realize? KIDS are thought differently now and what were doing is what they see and do in the end as well. The bad thing is, I see kids these days, they seem to not socialize. I guess with everything they have, they also forgot to be polite and they don't seem to respect the elderly as well. How do we make things better when in future were not going to be nice to each other, and we complain more?


I think kids are kids and we don't blame them for being demanding, well there must be a reason why their demanding, its because were giving them too much and sometimes its not because to make them feel complete but because were busy with ourselves, the world is changing and its getting tougher and sometimes, we forgot to be nice. AND that is not nice at all.


To be a great leader to the younger generations we must be great leaders to ourselves. We need to cherish moral values and to earn respect we have to prove to others that we deserve respect. If we don't do this, the younger generation would be thought the wrong way and everything is just going to be worst. LIFE is short but don't you think it will be better if all of us stop complaining about how kids are not being kids and start guiding them in the right way? SO BE IT when you see them having awesome gadgets or better things and maybe playing different games and whatever that are different between you and them. Generation X and Generation Y.


I say, guide them to be nice and polite and actually teach them to socialize more. I think that's just about enough and besides, they WILL grow up.


JaszyRay~

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

It's the 3rd day of January! I'm back to drinking Pepsi again. 31 days of not having Pepsi last year. I was so deprived but it thought me something, which is not taking too much sugar, so now I just drink Pepsi once in a while (2-3 cans in a week?? I had to have Pepsi every single day before). I drink a lot of water now too.
No more dry skin. I still have eczema though. My only imperfection.


Its been 3 years of having this blog though my archives starts on 2010. I was hacked on 2009 and all my posts were erased by those trolls. But that doesn't stopped me from blogging. KEEP CALM AND BLOG.


I'm still on my holiday mood. Though its back to work and assignments. Just 4 more months till I finish my I.E.  That is I think, so far so good. Back to where I was before. Slowly making my dreams come true. Only happier and more excited to look forward for another day. I just don't want to give up, you know?



Currently listening to Right Here, Right Now by Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. OMG could you believe it that I was a HSM fan? I know, embarrassing but I grew up from it okay AND that's when I was 13! I ended my love and crazy fan-ish-self for HSM when I was 15. ALRIGHT, 16! Oh god, remembering those times when I was 13. I was just a manga freak back then and I was so shy I would just sit in the corner and read. I still do though, Not the manga freak anymore but I still read. I love reading. As years goes by, I changed.



Its a New Year, another year to make a change. There's nothing wrong with changing. The changes in life reflects who you are. The quote people change fast, well yea people do change. But I always know that it is in a good way, I don't see whats wrong with changing. Everybody tells me that I change too fast and most of the people who used to be a part in my life can't accept my changes, and as a best friend/girlfriend, how can you not accept people's changes for being a better person for themselves. I change because I want to know who I really am, what I'm really capable of and what is it that I'm missing. Its just that sometimes you feel that you can do almost anything but there are lots of ups and downs coming along the way. Get what I mean?



Okay, I do admit that I hurt a lot of people along the way, people who I loved so much and even a sincere sorry is not good enough. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I've had labels and people calling me names. Unpleasant names. But I accepted those names and come to think of it, none of you were there for me when I was in trouble so why do I have to accept the fact that you can't accept me for who I am. You just needed me when your in trouble and when you don't need me you forget about me till I'm in need of you? N blame me for being attention seeking. I guess your just not meant to be a part in my life.


But I'm not always right as well. I am wrong too. Karma got me back okay. I do make mistakes and I have always admit my mistakes. Learning from it takes time. Sometimes the mistakes that you do just have to see the people you love so much go. Sometimes the most devastating things that happens to you, will teach you the most. KARMA is a bitch but its just another wake up call to me, no matter how heavy KARMA gives you to suffer back and sometimes you cannot see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others and I still manage to say sorry. A sincere one. Here's a quote,

How can you be old and wise when your not young and crazy before? 

You know when you got hurt and you feel like its the end of the world, I get it. I've been there, I was hurt so much last year but that doesn't mean I quit trying. The good thing is I accepted my past and threw it away from my mind. Like a big bottle of messed up things and I threw it in the sea and I felt better. I'm emotional and unstable but that's just me. I'm still that deep person who sees the world from the crowds. Because people are people and we just to accept what comes along the way. So why do I have to wake up in the morning with regrets? Right?


Just give me a chance and I'll give you a chance back too. 2012 wont be bad if you wont make things bad. STOP ANALYZING. Its just another year. Lets make a start of something new. Have hope and lets bring out the best for this year. To those who loves me back, parents, siblings, best friends, my new friends who are oh-so-nice, my loyal readers. Thank you and I love you too :)


JaszyRay~

JUST ANOTHER "THE END"

Oh you know, I bet you see this coming too. OKAY I'll start. This is just another bye bye 2011 post. Typical. I bet you read a lot of post about 2011 and 2012. I hope mine is a bit different and because its the last day!! Aren't you excited?!
2012 is tomorrow. Another year to prove to yourself that anything is achievable if you just believe in yourself. I feel inspired.


I felt that every year is like having a new relationship. Not with guys but with YEARS and frankly 2011 is a really bad boyfriend. Haha, there's just so many ups and downs.. But I manage to pull it off with a touch of smile *SMILE* I did it gracefully. Also, just wow. Do time past so fast. Looking at my calender again, yeap. N in just 5 more hours till its a new chapter for everyone again.


As if it was just yesterday I felt that I left school for good. I miss school. Graduation was the best day. Everybody was happy smiling and excited. Full of pictures to build great memories. Don't you miss school? Its been a year for me!  I believe that when your in school, it is the only life where you are allowed to make mistakes. Because you learned fast from it and you just thought how stupid you were before and you think to yourself, I was just a little kid back then. I'm left to laugh at myself for being so stupid at times.
I am very quirky back in school and I did a lot of silly things. NO REGRETS. Just lots of FUN.


I guess this year is pretty much a whole 360 turn for me. I expected a great world ahead for myself. But everything seems to be false for me and I let my guard down. But come to think of it, of all the things I've been through. I wouldn't blame my mistakes this year and the tough times I've had. The problems I received and a lot of other typical drama. Though they were a lot of bumpy roller coaster rides for me. As some of you may know, I suffered 6 months of depression and it was NOT cool. Back then was nothing but a big bucket of crap in my face.  - To Summarize my explanation. I wasn't on track with myself and I'm always so depress. I sound like a completely boring and lifeless person but I grew up from it.


Because I learn to deal with tough things and accept what I was given. I was selfish at times in my situation but it made me stronger for myself inside and out AND I have a lot of advice's from people. LIKE major advice's. People from all ages and sharing each other problems and experience. Pretty cool huh? No, its weird actually. But the good thing is I am now back to being who I used to be,
 I thanked god for putting me on the right track again but just a bit more responsible and realistic now.
I am aware and careful but at the same time little mistake comes along the way yet I can always forget and move on from it.


Right now, at this present moment. I'm really prepared for 2012. Like, I'm so excited. I could not wait for the next day to come. I know that things will change. A lot of things will change.
 I'm still afraid of the future but I believe that every day is a new day.
 I build this whole new me and I can't wait for things to change more. Good things to be better. Dreams that comes true. To start off my amazing plan, I basically would just prepare NEW YEAR resolutions. Because I'm a tad bit of an organizer for myself and I really followed my resolutions. LIKE REALLY I DO!
(OKAY, 75% of it?)

One of them is of course, to not stop inspiring people. I thanked all of those who got inspired by me and I'm happy that many people smiled after that. I'm glad that my resolution came out good and I'd like to show good examples to kids more. I love kids and I believe inspiration starts from there. I want to be more happy and caring towards myself and others, so that we could build a good atmosphere and place for each other. I work in a good place where everyone is friendly (sometimes) and I'm just starting to fell in love with what I do. Though, I still have yet to complete my task as I would want to go to Fashion School someday.
 I could just forget about my I.E but that's my back up plan.
But mostly, to find something new for myself.

Other than that, maybe giving chances and getting chances. Because chances may lead us to something good. See like Namewee, for example. People gave him a chance to start over what he did (after insulting other races) but he apologize already and he is really sorry for what he did. AND he did a super great movie. Isn't that great? To get chances, we have to work for it. I hope to get great chances.

Well, that's about me. I still have more but I don't wanna write a lot of my resolutions here. Other than that, I'm pretty close to my parents again. Mom and dad though I'm still their average pain in the ass daughter at times. I can't help it, its just normal to be one sometimes. But I would never break their hearts. I love them and I wanna make them proud. I don't wanna be a daughter where I regret not spending time with them. YES I do a have life on my own, but sharing my life with them would mean the world to them. After what my mother have been through, I would do whatever it takes to fix everything again.
She's been hurt by so many people and all she need is happiness. 

She deserves happiness, and as for dad. THINGS are okay again.

A lot of people ask me would I fall in love next year. WELL YEA I don't want to be single for the rest of my life but I don't want to rush in this kind of things at the same time. Love is beautiful yet scary.
The guys that I like tend to not like me back. BUMMER much.
 Someday there will be someone I don't know when but as for now. Single it is. BUT to know what kind of guy do I want. Well I've read and watch a lot of love stories, I guess I want a guy who makes other girls jealous for loving me. If he really loves me that is. Which I find that completely impossible. Its like wishing for drinking the best water from the mountains everyday.

So I shall end my post here, to those who are reading and my loyal regular readers. Thank you so much. 

I would update this blog often. To make someones day complete. I don't like wishing people HAPPY NEW YEAR. Because we cant guarantee happiness everyday. So here is from me.

SURVIVE A NEW YEAR PEOPLE!

JaszyRay~